Day 380: Always Be Growing

Today was a good day. I feel like I’m learning more about myself at high speed the last 2 weeks, testing my abilities by doing new things. It feels good. I’ve been on a 7-week streak of Peloton workouts and consistently running 2km before I get ready for work in the morning. I find getting outside first thing really sets me up for the day. I have time to get fresh air, exercise, put things in perspective, or burn off some anxiety. I know I said this the other day but I love smoothie bowls, honestly, they’re so beautiful and easy to make. Delicious and extremely good for you. Look at this vision of beauty. I stan. One of the characters in the show I’m watching (The Arrangement) said “If you’re not growing you’re dying” and it really stuck with me. I often used to say, “innovate or die” and I think it’s really important to always be growing.

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Day 349: Talk To The Moon

Met up with Michelle to go for a nice walk in the sun. I was thinking of taking the King Streetcar from Bathurst back to Dundas West but changed my mind. Decided to follow the sun and head west on foot, picked up some flowers, and walked home. Went through Trinity Bellwoods then along Dundas, when I passed Lansdowne, the sunset lined up perfectly with the bridge at Sterling Road. Got home as the sky turned to night. Was feeling big moon energy and said my 6 wishes under its bright light. Learned this manifestation from mum and always go out and talk to the moon, tell the universe exactly what I want. It’s amazing how fast the universe responds if you go confidently in the direction of your dreams, leaving doubt behind. For the full moon, I attended on an online sound bath hosted by Sound Meditation Presents. A sound bath is an opportunity to travel inward, explore your thoughts and feelings through sound and breathing. In January 2017, after 3 crazy days of CES in Las Vegas, I drove to LA. I offered to drive a friend back and he brought 2 friends for the ride. I was on a solo mission so didn’t mind the company. One of the friends was Suzy, who invited me to join her for Sound Bath LA. Had no idea what it was but I went. We grabbed blankets and pillows and drove with her friend to a dance studio. It was such an incredible experience, I wrote about it here. I left that night feeling like a different person, I’d changed. Spent the next week in LA, alone, staying at different Airbnbs and going on adventures. There is nothing like traveling by yourself to rediscover who you are. I was forever…

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Day 331: Melting Inside

Today was not a great day. There’s ice is melting outside our windows and I felt like I was melting inside. If you feel like you’re melting too, don’t worry, it’s normal to feel anxiety right now. Mum’s recommendation is always to have a little nap and there’s a good chance you’ll feel better when you wake up. It’s ok to feel this way, we’re living in a pandemic that’s been almost an entire year. I wasn’t feeling great last night, I felt sad, empty, I cried. Woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. The whole day I wasn’t on my game. I wanted to do things, create things, but I was paralyzed with anxiety and felt like I just couldn’t do anything. This lockdown is hard. Almost a year ago when we had our first lockdown, there was a novelty of being up at the cottage, I was creative, I wasn’t working, and it seemed like it would be over soon. This round, we’re not sure when things will end and it’s so cold outside. I feel tired most days and don’t have the same energy I used to have. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Sending love from the woods.

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Day 303: Productivity + Motivation

Woke up today and felt tired, could hardly get out of bed. I’ve been going to bed early and trying to get rest, but today was a struggle. My motivation has been LOW since the news on Wednesday last week when the US Capitol was stormed by terrorists. Typing this feels like I’m writing a movie script but it’s real life. Mix that in with rising Covid cases, a lockdown, and general anxiety, it’s hard to focus. I managed to pull myself together, shut out the world for a few hours and zero in on some work before an end of day meeting. I find over the ear noise-canceling headphones really help me focus, even with no music and no outside noise. I think it keeps my thoughts in my head. It is totally acceptable right now if you aren’t functioning at the same productivity levels as pre-pandemic. We’re experiencing collective trauma, living through a deadly global pandemic, a lockdown, homeschooling, and watching what’s happening with the US government. I try to carve out blocks where I put on my headphones, and try to immerse myself in something creative like work or blogging. Going outside for a nice long walk really helps me refocus when I feel anxiety creeping in. It is ok to not be productive right now. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Take care of your health. We WILL get through this.

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Day 269: Instagram Verified!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, today is a special day because I now have the coveted blue checkmark of IG of verification! I’d like to thank me for all my hard work over the years, and not giving up on me, and for staying committed to my goals. Ha! Jk, I worked with a friend at an agency who helped initiate the process. I’m now verified on Twitter (2012) and Instagram (2020). If you haven’t seen Snoop give this award speech where he thanks himself, you’re welcome. Getting verified made me think about some of the cool stuff I’ve done over the years. The process involved submitting a bunch of references to verify my work and who I am in the world. If you ever wanna do a deep creep, I have another website at casiestewat.biz with speaking, directing, brand partnerships (over 100!), and press/media over the years. Here’s a little hilight of some videos, awards, commercials, etc. Canadian Academy – Academy Social Looking back, this was a pretty neat experience and I don’t think they ever did this section of the awards as a separate event again. I was up against someone I really wanted to beat and was SO NERVOUS I would lose. I remember drinking too much that night to try and escape the anxiety. The Canadian Academy awards (Academy of Canadian Cinema & Television) are kinda like the Canadian version of the Oscars, awarding excellence in film, TV, and digital. Sunwing Commercial We shot this over a 4 day stay in Mexico. One day to rest once we arrived, 2 days to shoot (all on iPhone!), and 3/4 of one day to rest before leaving. It was a fun shoot but very busy. The whole team was great to work with. This commercial ran during the Superbowl…

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Day 205: Jacket Season, She Ready

Yesterday was a busy one! We ended up staying at the cottage Sunday night, working there Monday AM, then driving back mid-day to make it back by 2pm. Sean and I shared the driving as we both took calls on the way. I was going non-stop from first thing in the AM until about 6pm. April and I planned to take some photos before stopping by a pizza popup. I don’t think I’m gonna go to any restaurants for a while. We waited outside for pizza for too long and being around people gives me anxiety. This dress was handed down to me from April and it’s so great, an old one from Pink Tartan. The jacket and boots are old too. I feel like I only have a couple of weeks to wear all my mid-season jackets before it gets too cold. I love jacket season, get ready for a different one each day! ? I have a feeling this week is going to be long and busy. I’m already looking forward to being back up at the cottage this weekend to recharge my batteries.

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Day 178: Remember The Leaves

Took the boat out of the water this morning after taking Sean for his last rip on the lake. I don’t think we’ll be putting it back in this year. We’re on our way back to the GTA after sending the long weekend up north with Emily. Sean has buyer for his classic 1982 Stingray Corvette so we’ve got it on a trailer and and we’re dropping it off in Oakville.  Our next stop is Emily’s mum’s place to drop her off, she starts a new school next week. The kids have to wear masks all day and they’ve got a bunch of social distancing procedures in place. We know it’s good for her to be back in school but it’s also stressful knowing we are potentially putting her and ourselves at risk.  I’ve had a lot of anxiety over the past few days. It’s hard not to have anxiety with everything going on. Watching the news is intense and just sitting alone with your own thoughts can be overwhelming. I’m behind on my blog diary (again) but I also haven’t had my computer since September 3rd. I finally dropped my MacBook Pro off at the shop after months of using it with a broken keyboard. Found out today it’s going to cost $$$ and I think it’s time to get a new laptop. I’ve been using my old MacBook Air and it’s so s-l-o-w. Tbh I’m glad it’s a short week and it will be the weekend again before we know it.   Sean and I are planning to come back to the cottage together on Friday. I love summer but fall weekends in Muskoka are so charming. Relaxing and romantic. The leaves have only just started to change and over the next six-8 weeks they will transform to…

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Day 125: Mid-July, Where Have The Days Gone?

I can’t believe it’s been 125 days. I started this Daily Diary part of the blog thinking it would be a couple of weeks, months, maybe? Sometimes I’ll be doing something and totally forget how the world is so different now. Then I remember and feel overwhelmed. One minute I’m doomscrolling and having anxiety and another times social media gives me a great place to escape. I feel uncertain about everything today. Given that the world has changed so much in the past six months, it’s impossible to predict what will happen next. What tragedy or terror will we face? Apparently the worst hurricane season is on its way, there are UFOs, and second waves of are COVID happening in multiple countries. I’m grateful to be at the cottage and have Sean by my side but everything comes with challenges. What you see on the internet is only a small slice of someone’s life, the curated version. I haven’t posted much on my Instagram this month, I just haven’t felt like it. I’ve been a rollercoaster of emotion since June and I’m really hoping this ride slows down a bit in August. If you are reading this any feeling any of the same feelings, please know you are not alone. I welcome you to reach out if need/want someone to talk to, I’m a great listener and am usually good for a laugh. Send me a DM on Instagram, a Tweet, or an email. I’m almost always on the other side of the screen, wherever you are, right here in your phone or on your computer. We will get through this and we will be ok.

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Day 105: A Fear of Impending Doom

I took a selfie and didn’t realize how dark the sky had gotten. Sean is inside Canadian Tire while I wait in the car. We’re meeting someone at McDonald’s in 20 min to buy some lights for the cottage.  I’ve felt anxious for days. I’m tired. Yesterday I napped for almost four hours, today I napped for one. I hardly ever take naps, I guess my body is exhausted? It’s Pride today and it’s gone online like everything these days. Last year we were in the parade with Telus. A couple of years ago we were on the Netflix float with the cast of Orange is The New Black. I’m finding it hard to locate happiness, I have to actually put down my phone and look for it outside in the world. The phone is full of things that stress me out. I watched CP24 today and there is a lot of gun violence, riots, fighting, sickness, and death. It’s hard to handle. I’m grateful I saw my family on Friday. It makes me smile just thinking about hugging and laughing together in the sun.  Jen Kirsch published an article in The Star that pretty much summed up how I’m feeling. Been thinking about how she mentioned the anxiety we feel with this pandemic, the risk, the guilt, sadness, regret. Going out, seeing people, did we say/do the right thing? I feel some guilt that after about 80 days of blogging, I’m behind on 10 days. But then again, that’s pretty amazing I blogged that much at all! Can’t feel guilty, gotta let it go, it’s ok.  The sky cleared up a bit and the sun is out. Sean is walking to the car and we have 7 min to meet the guy.  Everything is gonna be ok.

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Day 95: Where I Need to Be

To be honest, today was not great. I spent most of the day in a bad mood, filled with anxiety, feeling stressed, snapping at Sean for no reason. I had drinks last night with some girls from the lake and one of them fell on the boat, cut her arms, and had to get stitches. Luckily, no permanent damage and everyone was ok but it had me in my feelings all day. You really have to be on your toes and keep one hand on the boat at all times, an accident can happen in a split second. Later in the day things turned around and Sean & I decided to take a road trip together. We picked up takeout from Pie Muskoka and drive through Bala, to the Wahta Reserve, then back home through Gravenhurst. Sometimes you just need to shake it off and change your surroundings. The journal above is a gratitude journal gifted to me by Cheryl, the owner of Please Notes. She has some really great affirmation filled goods you can find here. We met last year when we were both speakers at I Make a Living last year hosted by FreshBooks. I’m speaking at their next online event on Wednesday 24th, 11am. Sign up here!

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