Day 38: Sometimes I Don’t Feel Like It #20

Fitting that the 20th post in this series is being written in 2020. It’s been a while since I wrote one of these. This year started out pretty good, we woke up January 1st at the cottage and six days later I was in Cuba. The month flew by and I saw a lot of friends in February. Little did we know what March would bring and now, April is almost over and the world is a different place.

We’re in a global pandemic, the death toll is rising everyday, people are out of work, businesses are collapsing. Yesterday 19 22 people died in a mass shooting in Nova Scotia. It’s a lot to process. I feel tired, sad, grief.

I woke up overwhelmed by it all. I’m cold, my arm aches, maybe it’s the weather? I didn’t workout today. All I want to do is lay on the couch, read, or watch a movie that makes me feel warm inside.

Around noon, I pulled myself together and put on a nicer sweatsuit for a trip to the post office. It was the first time I’d driven somewhere alone since lockdown. My weighted blanket of anxiety was heavy on my chest as I got in the truck and backed out the driveway. Why did I feel so nervous? I’m an experienced driver, I’ve driven the truck on the these roads heaps. I had a mask and gloves, my tracking numbers.

You have to mentally and physically prepare every time you leave the house right now, plan your route, give yourself extra time. It’s hard to adjust to the way things are right now. Some days I’m happy in the isolation bubble, creating, making things, then days like today, it all hits me and I’m filled with anxiety.

It’s ok to not feel like it, to want a break from it all. None of us have experienced this and the whole world is navigating it one day at a time. When I feel a wave of panic or anxiety I like to look around the room naming objects, pointing out things to be grateful for. It helps refocus on the little things like having a fridge, bananas, or clean drinking water. I’m thankful to have Sean my by side, a roof over our head, food, friends, family. We have so much to be grateful for and I think we’re all realizing the things that matter most.

I got a text from dad as I was writing this and it was just what I needed it at the time.

Thanks dad, for the reminder. ❤️

It’s ok to not be ok right now. Things are tough and we’re floating around with uncertainty, not knowing when and if things will go back to the way they used to be.

Give yourself time to grieve, be in your feelings. It’s ok to feel sad. Productivity might look different these days and that’s ok too. If we stay home and try to stay healthy, we’ll get through this.

Reach out to your friends, family, or send me a note. I’m right here on the other side of the screen, going through this too.

Tomorrow is a new day. ❤️

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