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I looked everywhere but I couldn’t see her through the forest of trees in my life, in my way. I couldn’t look deep inside to see that the fire was going out. She still burned, the warmth was there, but she wasn’t lighting up the sky the way she used to.

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I went to the Big Easy, New Orleans, it was loud. I took long walks in between fancy houses, danced in the street, made friends, smiled a lot, captured photos, and laughed to myself. I was with friends and sometimes alone. I stayed mostly healthy but I lived a little. Balance.

I went to the woods for a week where I hardly talked, just the two of us. I wrote a lot at the kitchen table, at my computer wearing headphones. It was the last week of the year, of the decade. It was just what I needed. We skated on ice for the first time in a year, in the sunset, on the lake. It was magic.

I booked a beach vacation for the first official workday of 2020. I always wanted to start the year like that. It was a simple place. There was sunshine. I read a lot, slept a lot, laughed a lot. I thought a lot of thoughts. I didn’t take my computer. I needed a break, to disconnect. After seven days, I was ready to get started.

I spent the next week in my studio, my room, my desk, my computer. It’s just one room but it is all those things to me. I spent the entire year before this making the perfect space for when I found that spark, the one I was looking for.

It takes time to find her, to find IT. You have to look in places you don’t know exist, maybe they’re hidden, not ready to be found. You might have to face some kind of mountain, break down a wall, walk, run, fly, or carry something heavy. But when you do the work, take the time, invest in making that fire again, she’ll burn and grow, and the light will shine.

IT WILL SHINE BRIGHT.