DONT KILL YOURSELF

Don’t give up. Don’t quit over your job. Don’t die over money. Don’t bottle your feelings up. Don’t stay inside and hide. Don’t give up. Don’t hold it all in. Don’t put on a smile and act like everything is fine when it’s not. Don’t write your last letter. Don’t plan your exit. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t be selfish. Don’t kill yourself. 

PLS ASK FOR HELP.

Yesterday I posted the suicide hotline after hearing about Kate Spade. I felt sad. Her death was a reminder that no matter how much money, fancy clothes, cars, businesses, health, family, no matter how much you have, you can still have dark thoughts. None of us are immune to feeling like we’re backed into a corner. We all go through love, loss, money, no money, jobs, no jobs, depression, anxiety. Life is hard. No matter how much it seems like someone has a perfect life, THEY DON’T.  They might have an even more fucked up life than you think you do, trust me! We all go through it. We all have days, weeks, months, years when we wonder why we are still doing it, or not making it, or are we just faking it?

Life is hard. We’re constantly bombarded with challenges, tests, to see if we can make it to the next level. We all have the strength to deal, to fight, to call on each other, to make it through. You are never alone. There are lots of people around you even though you might not feel like it sometimes. It’s easy to isolate yourself, to put on a smile and act like everything is a-ok when you feel like dying inside. Reach out to someone around you. People care, people at work, home, on Facebook, and right on the other side of the phone at your fingertips. And you have me, I am always on the internet, I’m here for you.

Yesterday I posted the suicide hotline for a second time. A friend messaged me to say that Darrek Kwik, my friend, who did my hair for years, who I always blogged about, took his own life. I saw him about a month ago. I feel sad and angry. I feel sad and angry everytime I have to call mum at work and say, “I’m ok, well actual, remember so-and-so? They died.” I have a Post-It note in my closet with names of people who have died recently and there are too many names.

Was there something I could have done? How is his family? I don’t have answers. I do have a platform and a voice.  I am here reaching out, sharing my story, maybe it will help you feel more comfortable sharing yours with me. You’re not alone.

Suicide is a mother fucker. I have lost a lot of people this way, unfortunately. I feel sad thinking about what they could have gone on to do with their lives, the things they missed out on. The hole in their family that will never be filled. Did they think of the pain and loss they will leave behind? Forest through the trees. It’s hard to see the consequences or what is happening around you when you are trapped inside yourself.

I almost didn’t make it once. When I was in grade 8, my parents were splitting up. My best friend was moving away. I was sad. I had been in some trouble at school. A couple girlfriends and I decided to walk home and walk on the train tracks. We were prepared to let the train hit us that day. I was ready to give up. A couple guy friends from school followed us and wondered why the girls were going down that path, on the tracks. The train always went by after school.

When the train was about 2 metres away from me I was pushed off the track by my friend Allan, the hero who saved my life that day. There have been other days where I thought about giving up but I have made the choice to be a story and not a statistic. I will not do that to my family and my future.

It hurts to imagine things I might have never have accomplished, that’s kind of backwards but I think about places I’ve travelled, stories, all the jokes, the outfits, and hairstyles. Darren was one of the first people I met when I moved to Toronto. I lived on Bathurst and we met one Sunday night at Sneaky Dees. We were instant friends. He knew me different than most people, your hair stylist always does. He did my hair for years, we spent so many hours together, blonde processing, chatting about life, having drinks, partying. He was in my 2010 Virgin America video, we shot some of the documentary ‘It’s All About Me‘ in his studio, there’s a video of him shaving my head. I wish that he had reached out.

Please know, we are all fighting battles on our own. Behind the perfect Instagram posts and Facebook, behind the blogs, behind the camera, someone is struggling with something. You are not alone.

I went to the gym today and booked a session with a trainer.
Trying to channel this sadness and anger into motivation.
Please know I am always here, on the other side of the screen.

Posting the suicide hotlines another time, in case you need. ?

• Toronto Distress Centre: 416-408-HELP
• Ontario Distress Centre: 905-688-3711
• National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255
• Canada Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-TALK
• Kids Help Phone 1-800-678-6868