What a difference a week and some sunshine can make! MY GOD. Also, thank you to all who read and commented on my post about anxiety. We all go through hard days and I want you to know I feel it too. I’m a human just like you!
Loving the weather this week. Have spent a good chunk of time at the house writing and getting things done. I’ve also been biking everyday and done some yoga. Feels so good!
We did yoga on the deck on Monday night and it was SO NICE. The warm and and fresh breeze. Totally magical!
New deck layout after the rain and morning yoga. I love it here so much. Looks really good at night too with the Edison bulbs I got from Canadian Tire.
On Tuesday Keri (@keriblog) and I gave our home patio a HUGE makeover. I loaded up on plants at the Walmart sale and picked up a few cushions, lights, etc. They’re so nice! I’m in love with the new look and feel.
This was the biggest haul I’ve ever done. We filled 2 shopping carts then packed the entire jungle into her lil’ VW Golf.It rained a bit but was also sunny and we saw a DOUBLE RAINBOW!
Thank the sun gods for LESS RAIN, FINALLY. This ‘Double Rose‘ shirt is my new fav I picked up last weekend at the Skinny Sweats pop up (Toronto designer!). I love it so much. I’m inspired to make similar ones with my face on the tatas and some emojis, haha.
Yesterday Lauren (@laurenonizzle) and I went to the afternoon Blue Jays game and rode around on our bikes after. We both have Schwinn cruisers from Canadian Tire so we are SCHWINN TWINS. SCHWINNING.
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Have some really fun and exciting work coming up the next couple months and I’m excited to share with you. It feels so incredibly cool to be doing work I love. Tonight dad is coming over to shoot a project for Father’s Day.
This past week was a hard one for me. Actually, this entire month has been a challenge, I’ve been on the verge of a meltdown since May 2017 started with birthday anxiety. I had a trip to Jamaica that started with an allergic reaction in my eyes, where I couldn’t see that well, it rained heaps, I missed my bf, and I got my period. When I got home I was overwhelmed with anxiety about work I needed to get done, and it was a short week. I went to the 1188 office every day to get the music video I directed wrapped up, and didn’t really have time to work (at home like usual) on blog things. The week finished week with a full day on set. I was so tired.
Finally, on Saturday, it happened. I legit had a meltdown. Our car had a problem with the tire so I rented a car for the afternoon with my car sharing app and left around 11:15 to make it to Scarborough by 12:15. Well, no, that wasn’t happening. It took me 45 min to get to the DVP (highway downtown for non-TO peeps) and by then I was feeling super stressed after leaving the house in a huff w/ Sean. Then mum called and it opened the floodgates to me balling my eyes out, stuck in traffic. It seemed like everything around me was collapsing. Then, it started raining and the event I was about to drive an hour to was canceled. BUT, I was already on the DVP and still in traffic. I took a few deep breaths and decided to get off the highway. Didn’t really know where I was heading but the end goal was home.
I decided to put on the Lumineers album and for the next 30 minutes, drove past Yorkdale, down the Allen to Eglington, singing and crying loudly in the car. (I laugh about it now but at the time I was really feeling at a loss and wondering what to do with my life.)
I don’t have those days very often but they happen. I get anxious about all kinds of things and get down and into a dark place every now and then. It’s hard to manage sometimes and those days I find it really hard to be an ‘internet person’. I have spoken to a few of my friends about all this, and some of them recommended I checked out sites like https://www.everydayoptimalcbd.com/product-category/cbd-gummies-edibles/, in the hopes of finding an alternative method to managing anxiety better. As the use of CBD is said to have calming properties, this could be something worth looking into, especially as I am not sure how to deal with anxiety sometimes. Additionally, I know that there are people going through a similar situation, where the use of drugs such as Benzodiazepine is a massive help. But there are situations where trying to get off this drug on your own may cause benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms. These are the sorts of things that put me off taking medication, but I guess it may be worth a try if I want to help me feel less anxious all the time. Plus, if I find this isn’t for me, there are always many other methods I could try. There are some days where I don’t feel like sharing or putting on a smile, pretending everything is ok. I’ve been doing a lot of research into ways that I can manage these symptoms effectively. There is a lot to take in, but until I came across sites that spoke about hemp remedies, I realised that all the time I was spending was definitely worth it, especially if I wanted to improve my mental health. My sister told me about the best rated CBD brands and I might try CBD out. No matter what you are going through, your health should be your top priority.
I’ve written 10+ posts over the years titled ‘Sometimes I Don’t Feel Like It‘ when I don’t want to blog anymore. Writing through it helps me deal. I like going back to read them when I get in a mood and it helps me know it’s ok to feel that way and I’ll be ok.
I’ve wanted to quit a bunch of times and each time, when I push through whatever it is I’m feeling, and don’t give up, something good happens.
After I finally got home from my 2.5 hour tour of the city, I rode my bike over to yoga for a popup Sandy was hosting. It was the turning point. I had a mini massage, brows done, tarot card reading, wrote some postcards, and got a beautiful bouquet w/ pink & yellow peonies to bring home.
We left for the cottage shortly after. The next day, I spent a good chunk of time outside doing yard work w/ Sean, enjoying the sunshine, making food, and laughing together. It was the reset I needed.
Today I felt totally renewed and open to anything that came my way. I’ve found that if I don’t have time to rest my mind, body, and thoughts, I can’t even deal with anything. I also really enjoy my alone time. It helps me recharge.
Writing about my anxiety was inspired by an email I got last week about an event on Wednesday w/ Kayley Reed & Wear Your Label.
This isn’t a sponsored thing, I was inspired because Wear Your Label is about ending the stigma around mental illness and May is Meltal Health Month. Honestly, it’s pretty easy to act all smiley for Instagram or whatever but I’m a real human with feelings and the world only sees my life when the sun is out. Sean sometimes says I use all my sunshine up on the internet and he gets the salty version of me. (I’m sorry babe!)
So, here’s an official invite from me to you. The event is at Wednesday 6-8:30pm at Joe Fresh on Queen/Portland and hosted by Wear Your Label. You get 25% off regular priced stuff and one of the exclusive collab hats w/ purchase (see above, all the feels). 50% of the sales will be donated to the Canadian Mental Heath Association in support of mental health in Canada.
I’d love to hug some new and/or familiar faces and share some sunshine with you. The FB event is here.
Most of all, I want to remind you that if you have anxiety or you feel like you can’t even deal anymore or deal one day, remember that it will pass. And it WILL get better. Mum says that’s when you probably need to go and take a nap (and she is usually right!)
I remind myself all the time, the hardest part is THROUGH but YOU CAN DO IT. And you will. And you will be awesome at it.
P.S. It’s also totally ok to drive around loud cry singing to yourself. It actually felt pretty good. This is the song where the title comes from/one I was singing to.
Don't give up on yourself, you're stronger than that.
OK OK OK, enough already. Omg! There was so much rain in Toronto before I went to Jamaica, then, it rained more there last week than the entire month, and now, now, Toronto is flooding like crazy. I PRAY FOR SUNSHINE. Did a sun salutation. Did a rain dance.
Let’s all just think sunshiney bright happy thoughts and maybe we can make it go away. Oh, and don’t look at the forecast… ?
Last week more rain fell in Jamaica than the average for ALL of May.
Smiling here but have been feeling so meh the last little while. I go through stages like this, now and again where I wonder about the Internet and if I’m burnt out? That might be the case or maybe it’s the weather…
Ok so, about the lashes…
Today I’m wearing false lashes bc last week in Jamaica I had a SUPER BAD reaction to the glue from eyelash extensions. At times I couldn’t see very well and it made me sad and homesick. Honestly, it was the worst. In another country, it was raining like crazy, I had puffy eyes, all sore and bloodshot. I’m used to having pretty great lashes (yeah I know why did I get them? urgh) and now mine are not so beautiful. Some are missing and I still feel like my eyes are dry. I probably should’ve listened to my friend when she told me to have a look at this information from reneerouleau.com just in case I needed any advice on what to do if you get puffy eyes. I really wish I had taken the time to look at this before I left for Jamaica. I think it’s fair to say that I won’t be making the same mistake again. But it definitely doesn’t feel good knowing that I have puffy eyes and no eyelashes, especially as I won’t have any for a while.
It’ll be weeks for them to grow back and am crossing my fingers and everything I have, hoping they come back strong.
What should I do? If you have tips please tell me!
I’m practising this little thing, finally. I’m determined to learn to play it. I’d love to do a few songs at Christmas!
Filmed a thing. Been doing more work w/ 1188 Revolver lately. It’s nice! Love a new challenge.
Planning to go home and spend a rainy night on the couch wearing jogging pants and writing. One great thing about this weather is taking the time to recharge your batteries or get ahead. That way you can play outside when the sun comes out! ??
I don’t want to blog anymore. Writing through it helps me deal. I like going back to read them when I get in a mood and it helps me know it’s ok to feel that way and I’ll be ok. 
