This past week was a hard one for me. Actually, this entire month has been a challenge, I’ve been on the verge of a meltdown since May 2017 started with birthday anxiety. I had a trip to Jamaica that started with an allergic reaction in my eyes, where I couldn’t see that well, it rained heaps, I missed my bf, and I got my period. When I got home I was overwhelmed with anxiety about work I needed to get done, and it was a short week. I went to the 1188 office every day to get the music video I directed wrapped up, and didn’t really have time to work (at home like usual) on blog things. The week finished week with a full day on set. I was so tired.

Finally, on Saturday, it happened. I legit had a meltdown. Our car had a problem with the tire so I rented a car for the afternoon with my car sharing app and left around 11:15 to make it to Scarborough by 12:15. Well, no, that wasn’t happening. It took me 45 min to get to the DVP (highway downtown for non-TO peeps) and by then I was feeling super stressed after leaving the house in a huff w/ Sean. Then mum called and it opened the floodgates to me balling my eyes out, stuck in traffic. It seemed like everything around me was collapsing. Then, it started raining and the event I was about to drive an hour to was canceled. BUT, I was already on the DVP and still in traffic. I took a few deep breaths and decided to get off the highway. Didn’t really know where I was heading but the end goal was home.

I decided to put on the Lumineers album and for the next 30 minutes, drove past Yorkdale, down the Allen to Eglington, singing and crying loudly in the car. (I laugh about it now but at the time I was really feeling at a loss and wondering what to do with my life.)

I don’t have those days very often but they happen. I get anxious about all kinds of things and get down and into a dark place every now and then. It’s hard to manage sometimes and those days I find it really hard to be an ‘internet person’. I have spoken to a few of my friends about all this, and some of them recommended I checked out sites like https://www.everydayoptimalcbd.com/product-category/cbd-gummies-edibles/, in the hopes of finding an alternative method to managing anxiety better. As the use of CBD is said to have calming properties, this could be something worth looking into, especially as I am not sure how to deal with anxiety sometimes. Additionally, I know that there are people going through a similar situation, where the use of drugs such as Benzodiazepine is a massive help. But there are situations where trying to get off this drug on your own may cause benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms. These are the sorts of things that put me off taking medication, but I guess it may be worth a try if I want to help me feel less anxious all the time. Plus, if I find this isn’t for me, there are always many other methods I could try. There are some days where I don’t feel like sharing or putting on a smile, pretending everything is ok. I’ve been doing a lot of research into ways that I can manage these symptoms effectively. There is a lot to take in, but until I came across sites that spoke about hemp remedies, I realised that all the time I was spending was definitely worth it, especially if I wanted to improve my mental health. My sister told me about the best rated CBD brands and I might try CBD out. No matter what you are going through, your health should be your top priority.

I’ve written 10+ posts over the years titled ‘Sometimes I Don’t Feel Like It‘ when I don’t want to blog anymore. Writing through it helps me deal. I like going back to read them when I get in a mood and it helps me know it’s ok to feel that way and I’ll be ok.

A couple of my favourites are #1 from 2010 and #2 from 2011.

I’ve wanted to quit a bunch of times and each time, when I push through whatever it is I’m feeling, and don’t give up, something good happens.

After I finally got home from my 2.5 hour tour of the city, I rode my bike over to yoga for a popup Sandy was hosting. It was the turning point. I had a mini massage, brows done, tarot card reading, wrote some postcards, and got a beautiful bouquet w/ pink & yellow peonies to bring home.

We left for the cottage shortly after. The next day, I spent a good chunk of time outside doing yard work w/ Sean, enjoying the sunshine, making food, and laughing together. It was the reset I needed.

Today I felt totally renewed and open to anything that came my way. I’ve found that if I don’t have time to rest my mind, body, and thoughts, I can’t even deal with anything. I also really enjoy my alone time. It helps me recharge.

Writing about my anxiety was inspired by an email I got last week about an event on Wednesday w/ Kayley Reed & Wear Your Label.

This isn’t a sponsored thing, I was inspired because Wear Your Label is about ending the stigma around mental illness and May is Meltal Health Month. Honestly, it’s pretty easy to act all smiley for Instagram or whatever but I’m a real human with feelings and the world only sees my life when the sun is out. Sean sometimes says I use all my sunshine up on the internet and he gets the salty version of me. (I’m sorry babe!)

So, here’s an official invite from me to you. The event is at Wednesday 6-8:30pm at Joe Fresh on Queen/Portland and hosted by Wear Your Label. You get 25% off regular priced stuff and one of the exclusive collab hats w/ purchase (see above, all the feels). 50% of the sales will be donated to the Canadian Mental Heath Association in support of mental health in Canada.

I’d love to hug some new and/or familiar faces and share some sunshine with you. The FB event is here.

Most of all, I want to remind you that if you have anxiety or you feel like you can’t even deal anymore or deal one day, remember that it will pass. And it WILL get better. Mum says that’s when you probably need to go and take a nap (and she is usually right!)

I remind myself all the time, the hardest part is THROUGH but YOU CAN DO IT. And you will. And you will be awesome at it.

P.S. It’s also totally ok to drive around loud cry singing to yourself. It actually felt pretty good. This is the song where the title comes from/one I was singing to.

Had a great morning yoga session today. Feeling energized and have a jam packed day ahead. Saturday I’m going to Jamaica for a week. It’s the first time in years I’m going on a vacation-vacation that isn’t work. YAY!

I’m travelling with @Lovesey as his guest and we’re gonna have SO MUCH FUN. We did Route 66 last year with Arizona Tourism then went hiking Sedona together. It was magical. Really looking forward to hot sun, beaches, and the food! ?? If you’re a lover of hiking, then check out https://www.dreamlandtours.net/day-tours/paria-canyon-vermilion-cliffs/the-wave-tour/ to see where your next adventure will take you!

Posted the image below in my IG Story the other day and wanted to share here. Got a message from someone after posting who said it was just what they needed at the time. She mentioned theres a few people around her always shouting about their ‘success’, and I reminded her that’s often a sign they’re not really as successful as they seem. Actions speak louder than words and if you have success, it shows.

I’ve always thought it’s better to talk about things you’ve done rather than going off about things you plan to do. Talk is cheap, baby. I love sharing my work and life but you usually don’t know about something until it’s happened!

Work hard. stay humble. The race is long and in the end it’s only with yourself.

The last couple weeks have been kinda crazy for me, not just normal life and ‘blog stuff’ but I went out of my comfort zone and did a totally new work thing. I’ll share more on that but the point is, I learned a lot in the process, new skills, and things about myself. At the beginning of the project I was really excited, then I got discouraged,  followed by a wave of inspiration and creativity, then a breakdown. I thought about quitting, then got excited again, had some stress, and well you get the point. It wasn’t easy but I made it through.

Sean was seriously so incredibly awesome dealing with me and encouraging me the whole time. He continued to remind me you have to work hard to get to the next level but it’s worth it. He says ‘You can do anything you put your mind to if you do the f&%king work.” I know I said this other day but, if you think about it, IT IS SO DAMN TRUE.

You really CAN do anything, if you REALLY want to. You have to hustle you do something every single day to get closer to that goal. You can do anything!

Yesterday I turned 35 (where did the time go right?!) and I had a really great day. I was thrilled to spend the day doing exactly what I want, with a clear head knowing I’m continuously evolving.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen this video but you should watch it. Sean showed it to me years ago and I go back and watch it to remind me why I do things, the struggle, the joy. I watch it for inspiration and to clear my head. It’s a reminder live each day on your own terms. To do what you want. To go confidently in the direction of your dreams and not let anything stand your damn way!

 If you’re going to try, go all the way.

All The Way – a Charles Bukowski poem from Willem Martinot

“If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery–isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you’ll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you’re going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It’s the only good fight there is.”

― Charles Bukowski, Factotum

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